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Book of his letters. Witty.

(I’ve done this bit once in a one-two punch, 1950’s delivery. Imagine Groucho Marx if you like … if it makes the jokes funnier.)

Welcome to Pinball Comedy!

Our cohost, Jeremy Hansen, couldn’t be here tonight. Actually, I wonder if he’s hiding. Could you check down by your feet? He’s not there? Well, I wouldn’t have been surprised, seeing as he gets paid under the table.

Let’s hear it for Joe’s Hamburgers.

By the way, who in here is named Joe? Well, you enjoy those burgers, my friend. They’re yours.

And, out of curiosity, who is not named Joe?

Get out … right now … I’m kidding. Get back in the kitchen, Robbie.

My name is Dan Jones. I’ll be your MC tonight. Sorry about that.

But I’ve been an entertainer all my life. Doesn’t mean much, seeing as I’m only four years old.

What’s more miraculous than that is if you laughed at that joke. If you didn’t laugh, then you must still be in shock about my age. That’s okay. So am I.

You should have seen my grades in college.

I was learning my ABCs while making touchdowns for the football team.

I know, I know, that doesn’t sound very unique when considering the jock community. Duh.

It is rare, however, when you picture my first year on the college team. My jockstrap hardly fit over my diaper.

And I don’t even want to tell you what Mom had to go through in order to breastfeed around the helmet.

Being four years old, at my age, gives a new meaning to the phrase “odd number of years.”

(Not because of the number four, but … never mind.)

No, I’m obviously not four years old. I’m joking. That’s what I do. I mean, that’s why I’m up here with a microphone on comedy night, if you didn’t realize.

I’ve been an entertainer for as long as I can remember. Which brings us to the middle of last week.

But as they say … I forget.

My memory’s so bad … that I can’t recall the rest of that joke.

Yeah, I have a bad memory. Probably because I used a pacifier instead of a mouth guard during those tackles. Concussions with lullabies.

Wait, I thought I dismissed the idea of me being four! What’s going on here?

I’m joking.

And I’ve been telling jokes ever since I could talk. Unfortunately, I’ve spent most of my life as a mute.

Which made dinner conversations easy. Accept for when I was pulled away for a phone call.

The reason I had such a delay in speaking was because, when I was kid, the mute button on the TV remote was stuck. And I learned everything from the TV. Only, I literally couldn’t make out what anyone was saying. Especially during that episode of the couple who was literally making out. Not to mention, no one on Earth can see words literally coming out of someone’s mouth.

See, TV was my main form of education and communication and, eventually, emancipation from my parents.

Yeah, I was neglected. My parents left me sitting in front of any type of screen whenever they could. Which made it easy for them to know who was at the door.

Okay, none of what I’ve said is true. But that’s only because I’m lying.

Dan Jones

Author Dan Jones

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